Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
You Might Also Like
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Pickled cat.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?