If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
2022 be like
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.