[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.