Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton