Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
mood
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Spell check is for lasers.
my proudest tweet
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Sponch