Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”