we鈥檙e insta mutuals now 馃槍馃槍馃槍
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If chickens ate human eggs we鈥檇 probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
That鈥檚 enough internet for the day
We鈥檙e just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine鈥檚 Day
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I鈥檇 finally see the top of our family鈥檚 weekly laundry pile
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I鈥檓 at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Like certain sexual acts I鈥檝e engaged in, I don鈥檛 want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that鈥檚 all that matters.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!