*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You Might Also Like
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies