Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.