My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.