HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.