Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.