If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.