I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I love twitter
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken