I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
This is painfully accurate 😅
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Your honor these allegations are
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay