Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Cake!!
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*