Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You Might Also Like
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom