I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
You Might Also Like
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
bias laundering edition
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You deplete me
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.