found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.