if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.