me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.