I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Called it
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]