That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.