[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.