Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.