Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
that colleague who touches your screen
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned