Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me recordaron éste meme
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.