ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
What
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.