Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A man of commitment.