They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.