My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I just love that new Pope smell.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
absolutely not
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!