Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE