I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.