My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.