My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week