My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.