[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.