me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.