Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.