It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My new favorite headline
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter