Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
You Might Also Like
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.