Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support