Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 馃嚭馃嚫
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That鈥檚 when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Your house doesn鈥檛 have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 馃檭
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I鈥檓 wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Women aren鈥檛 complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.