Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories