I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.