is frankincense just very honest incense?
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.