John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
You Might Also Like
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.