*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
birds and squirrels envy us
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.