Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye