I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!